Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Realizing things

Its horrible that you never really truly realize what you have until its gone. I know how much I love you and I have known all along how much you meant to me. I knew i wanted to marry you and live the rest of my life with you. No matter what problems we came across or faced, I swore that no matter what I'd always be there by your side. Its been 3 long years and here we are again faced with another break up. 
My mental illness constantly consumes me overtime. No matter how medicated I am or how much I think that I am in control, Im not. I dont understand why I always have to have these manic attacks and lose control. I push everyone that I love and want in my life away. 
I love you with every ounce of my being and I will never give up on us. No matter what I will keep fighting for control and do my best to be what you deserve from me. 

My most recent poetry

I'm only a picture, but not something to stare at
Anger inside, but no need to look back
Fire in my eyes, but not my time to attack
Moving to fast, bound to come off track

Pain becomes rage, it might be bad for your health
No need to hate me, I all ready hate myself
Like a brick you'll break, another trophy on my shelf
Test me, push me, shadow me, I'm stealth

A letter I'll write, with no regret when it is sent
Lion locked in her cage, my bars are bent
Piercing words, seeming alive with no repent
Locked away, the scream creates a slight dent

An open wound, with no salt inside
Creating my own laws, that I won't abide
War within, moves around with nowhere to hide
Stored away in my mind, but I will not confide

I have nothing to say, no words to speak
Thinking of a problem, but the sound will not leak
Dragging it through my mind, leaving a mental streak
Controlling myself, will keep me from being weak

People speak of fate
and meetings of chance.
Finding of soul mates
and love at first glance.

Alignment of planets
Shooting stars up above.
Fullness of the moon
and pairs of white doves.

I've never taken stock
in these symbols and signs.
But having met you
proved I'd been blind.

Poets write of hearts
eternal devotion.
Flames of desire
and new found emotion.

Love ever lasting
a lifetime of bliss.
Heaven here on Earth
the passion of a kiss.

I've never found valid
these words foolishly penned.
Then you graced my presence
and proved me wrong again.

Singers sing of heartache
and the one that got away.
Internal emptiness
pain that still remains.

Missed opportunities
the hollowness of night.
Paths that never cross
timing that wasn't right.

I never dreamed those songs
could ever ring so true.
Until I thought of life
without ever knowing you

The music understand me
I feel alone and scared,
My past haunts me every day,
But music understands me.
I cry when I'm alone,
Because I want to die at times,
But music understands me.
I may be smiling on the outside,
But I'm crying on the inside,
And the music understands me.
With all that I have been through,
I'm surprised that I'm still sane,
And the music understands me.
Nothing seems to ease my pain,
So I'm forced to cover it, and live in vain.
But music understands me.
Sometimes I can't,
And I get overcome,
But music understands me.
I like the pain but usually I am in control,
And I love the rain,
Because it's good to cry in,
But I never have to cry with music,
Because  music understands me

Close your eyes and think of me
Close your eyes and try to see
Our hearts together and what could be
Our love forever as destiny